Happy tears...
As human beings, we tend to be emotional.
There are many types of emotions.... Sadness, anger, frustration...
Many times emotions can lead to tears.
We find it so easy to cry tears of sorrow, but what about tears of happiness?
What about tears of joy, liberation, appreciation....?
Last week I had an eye opening experience...
For the first time in years, I found myself sobbing... Not sad tears, but happy tears.
Before I tell you exactly what lead to those tears that night, I'll tell you about a time when sad tears were a very frequent visitor in my life...
Now I'm not going to go too much into details about this, because there's a whole other post telling this story (You can read that by clicking
here , but I'll tell you enough so that you can hopefully understand a bit of what I went through...
From the time I was born, until a few years ago, I went to the same warm country church... The kind of church where people genuinely care about you, and aren't afraid to let you know... As a homeschooler, that church was pretty much my everything... My best friend was there, my Grandparents were there, everything was there...
One day we left because there weren't a lot of kids at that church to make friends with...
We started going to a huge, fancy church, with hundreds of attendees.
I liked it at first, but with the years, I realized how prejudiced most of the people were...
I developed a fear of people. All people. I felt alone. I had no friends, I had grown apart from my family, and most importantly, I grew apart from God.
I felt like I was completely alone.
Nothing was right back then, and I felt like nothing would ever be.
I didn't know what the reason was for me to wake up each day...
Everything was falling apart.
That lasted for about three years... Eventually, my family realized that this church wasn't going us any good... More the opposite.
We started visiting other churches, but none of them felt right... None of them felt like home, and I knew they never would.
We decided to try out original church again... Thank God!
The second I walked through those doors, I was welcomed back by the familiar sights, sounds, and smells of my childhood.... It felt like home.... It was home.
That was the end of that, but last year, up to around Summer break this year, I went through another tunnel...
This one was explainable. To this day I don't really know what to say about it...
I was depressed again. I was mad at the world. My attitude was dreadful.
I hated my life.
I didn't want to accept the way things were. I didn't think about other people...
I don't know how to explain... It was bad... That's all I can say.
Over summer break I had a chance to reevaluate my life, and boy did I!
I don't know what happened... It was like a switch had been flipped on in my heart!
I was happy for the first time in about three years.
And happier and happier I got over the months...
Last month I was able to stop caring about what other people think about me, and let me tell you, it feels incredible. I don't know how I did this, I just suddenly forgot all the reasons I put other people on such a pedestal...
Three weeks ago I started nurturing my relationship with my Lord... Whom I hadn't been close to for the longest time...
Of all the changes that have happened this year, this change is the most unbelievable....
I have already developed such a passion for him, and getting as close to him as I possibly can...
I have lost the ability to worry. I mean that. It's gone. Poof.
I am now able to have complete faith that he has everything in my life figured out... Everything. So how could I worry? His plan is perfect.
After saying all that, this is the reason I found myself bawling last week...
For the first time in months I picked up my nearly empty diary...
My heart was filled with so much joy, it all began to pour out in the form of neat cursive letters....
Then, I found myself writing this:
"I don't know what to say to explain how I feel right now... I am completely overwhelmed with happiness."
In the middle of that word, it hit me.
Happiness....
I am happy.
Truly, genuinely, HAPPY.
That's when the tears started... Before I knew it I found myself on my knees, thanking God for letting me go through everything that I went through... Because without it, I wouldn't be the happy person that I am now!
Everything that happened hasn't just made me a happier person... It's helped me realize so many dreams that I was too blind to see before!
One thing that I didn't mention before was that when I was going through the second hard time, I had my heart set on doing something that I wasn't meant to do. I cried over it, I tried to force it on God... It made me miserable.
I describe it to people as being locked in a dark room, with just a flashlight to help me find my way.. I kept that flashlight aimed on one thing, that there was no possible way to get to.
Once I stopped trying to make things happen that weren't meant to happen, God opened my eyes to so much!
That thing I wanted to do was become a ballet dancer...
Although I may not be a very good ballet dancer, and I will never be good enough to go pro... I realized that I don't have to be in a company to dance... I can still love it without being the worlds best dancer!
So maybe I can't do a perfect jete... I can learn dances from music videos in no time, and choreograph new ones!
After I found my way out of the tunnel I was in, I discovered talents and hobbies that I never would have imagined I would get into!
There are so many things I want to do now, that I don't know when I'm going to have time to do them all!
I understand 100% now that I wasn't born to dance... I was born to inspire people!
I was born to be an artist, and to use my art to make people smile!
Another thing that hit me recently...
Before I thought about it, I thought that everyone probably has gone through things like I did by the time they were my age.... But after talking to several people, I realize that that's not the case...
Then it struck me....
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
The more I think about it, the more sense it makes!
Making people smile is one of my greatest passions... I live to inspire people, and to share the joy that inhabits me with them!
Nothing makes me feel better then knowing that I've helped somebody through a hard day.... Nothing... Not even when I finish my best drawing... Though I admit that does come close sometimes!
God gave me a story, and I love to share it!
It makes so much sense to me!
But even if that's not the profession God picked for me, I will continue to share my story, and inspire people to the best of my ability!
So basically, the point of this post was to say that sometimes, our scars end up the most beautiful, valuable things we have!
Keep the faith, and if you don't already see them.... One day you'll find all the reasons to cry happy tears, instead of sad tears!
XOXOXOXO
Elysse<3
